Thursday, February 24, 2011
So as for the other random shit on my mind I'd really love to just punch something right now. Today has been a crappy day, especially when you go to get a caramel apple cider as a pick me up and they're all out and then I come back to the dorm to eat my Portillo's chocolate cake instead and I find a used candle on the plate and what looks to be as if the cake has already been partially eaten.....and to top it all off my period started today and I'm in a shit load of pain. Yes I realize I'm complaining but if I go and whine to a person to their face, well lets just say I wouldn't get the reaction I want so posting this on my blog is a lot safer, especially since I have been known to let my emotions get the best of me. I'm only human, we all make mistakes but for me, forgiving myself is the hardest thing to do. Especially when I let my emotions take over and I bitched at my boyfriend or when I got so caught up in the moment at at party for with my boyfriend's family that I said something and now his mom is questioning my intentions and whether or not I'm really good enough for her son. I mean first of all I took that personally, I mean any person would but everyone else seems to think that I'm supposed to be over it by now and that I can just move on and act like nothing happened...well here's a note: THAT'S NOT WHO I AM!!! Hell I hold things against myself all the time because the only thing I can change about any situation is me...I can't change anyone else so the next best thing is to criticize myself until I feel like I'm no longer a problem anymore. The saying is to "forgive and forget", but I just can't and I honestly don't know why. That's another thing that bothers me whenever I say that something is wrong or I feel upset the automatic question is "why??"....so then I say I don't know why and it doesn't satisfy it...there's always got to be a reason as to why I'm feeling the way I am but I HAVE NO IDEA!! I'm a girl. I just have problems and if that's not answer enough then idk what to tell you.
Another thing I hate right now is that bikini season is coming around. All these girls say that they are perfect they way they are and that they don't care how they look to anyone else...truth of the matter is you do actually care cause trust me I know I do. I've always had a problem with self esteem and no amount of compliments will change that. It's a personal thing that I have to deal with although having the amazing boyfriend that I do does help a bit. It helps to know that someone....besides my family loves me for me. And yes I know that friends say they love you for who you are but personally I have a trust issue with friends. Basically because in 6th grade girls would ditch me during recess then in middle school I made what I thought was a friend and trusted her too much and then ended up having her turn on me because to her I was a "crazy, needs help, on meds lesbian". Then in high school you move with friends that you say you'll keep forever but high school changes people, and that's what it did to my friend who ditched me at our first ever homecoming dance cause she thought she was cooler than me and I was basically dead weight. So if people ever wonder why I hold back or have problems meeting new people, well those are the reasons why. Friends will hurt you...the only friends for life you really make are those in college because any other friends that go away to college, well they meet other friends and have no need for you anymore...even if you do keep in contact a few times....the friendship will never be the same.
Recently I went shopping with my boyfriend and it was brought to my attention that "I have a problem". First of all I'm a girl....specifically a girly girl and I love to shop...I can't explain why but I just do. It's fun to go and explore new things...especially shoes because shoes always fit unlike clothes. Clothes piss me off...especially dresses because there always seems to be a greater amount of tiny, stick thin sizes, instead of the larger, more normal sizes. Why do they even make a size 0?? I don't know anyone who can actually fit into a size 0...it doesn't exist because anyone who is a size 0 doesn't exist...they disappear when they turn sideways. However, I'm not going to sit here and say that because I'm not a size 0 and that I look more normal that I'm happy with they way I look cause I'm certainly not. Weight is a huge thing for me and it always has been...until I actually learn to feel comfortable in my skin I don't think I'll ever officially be happy with the way I look.
To wrap things up I'm gonna attempt to leave on a happier note. I will tell you all that my future blogs will not be like this, so angry and depressing...it's something about today that has me in an extremely sad mood to the point that I need to vent to all of you who actually read my blog....if not then I still benefit from expressing my feelings and getting them out there. As for my happy note it's almost the weekend and I'm finishing up to large assignments which makes me feel really good. I know that I can just relax this weekend and work in order to have more money to spend on random stuff....most likely stuff for my boyfriend lol. He truly is my rock: always there for me, supporting me, and telling me I look beautiful no matter what even if I don't believe him. No relationship is perfect but if I had to describe my dream guy it would definitely be him. I'm a hopeless romantic and we just get each other...kinda like the crazy ass roommate that the school gave me lol we just click. I think it's because we're such dorks and I really am okay with that. We have our own fun together making fun of the other ditzy college girls. As for having fun with my boyfriend we enjoy going to the pet store and playing with the puppies or just walking around a store like dorks together lol. I think that without these two people I'd be going crazy in college =] And to officially wrap things up I should probably go and study for that Biology exam that I have tomorrow as well as print off that paper that is due lol. Thank you blog for listening to my problems and allowing me to just vent in order to make myself feel better =] I'll be back soon to talk about more random shit. Till then have wonderful days and make smart decisions =P
Until Next Time, Sincerely,
This is my first blog, in fact this is my first creative writing I've ever done besides for school. I'm really not sure what to write but I have a feeling that most of my posts will be some how related to my feelings and thoughts. At this point I'm really not sure where to start so this is as far as I've gotten. I am open to people asking me question and even suggesting topics for me to write about because like I said I have absolutely no plan for my posts. This blog was started on a whim after I viewed a friend's blog and it made me want to create one for myself. I have a feeling that this blog will be a place for me to express my feelings and problems or any type of event that is going on in my life and I feel the need to share it. Right now I should really be studying for the Biology exam that I have tomorrow so for today this is about as much as I have to write. I'm really looking forward to continuing my posts and gaining followers =]
Till next time, sincerely,
Till next time, sincerely,